50 ways to leave your lover

The weekend in Denton/Dallas was good. My littlest little sister hadn't started school yet, so I got there Friday afternoon, just in time to see the tinytiny baby squirrel that her roommate's cat had been sitting on in the backyard. It was about 4 weeks old, eyes still shut, with a very thin body. Looked kind of like a miniature kangaroo, actually. We delivered it to a lady who takes in abandoned squirrel babies.

The weekend was full of little girly restaurants where you sit around for hours and they bring you mimosas and soup made with heavy cream and salads with things like goat cheese and pears soaked in wine and tiny muffins with cherry-flavored butter. In other words, we had a great time.

When we weren't in said restaurants (or at the rodeo, rating the appropriateness of the cowboys' chaps - there was a teal pair with orange fringe that we thought was a bit over the top), we were watching movie rentals at home with sangria, bags full of assorted chocolates, and brie with green apples. And celebrity gossip magazines.

Movies watched: Wedding Date (terrible, on multiple counts), Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (interesting cinematography, but rather long, and I fell asleep), and The Life Aquatic (very similar in tone to the Royal Tenenbaums, and with much of the same cast. Good. But I liked the Tenenbaums better).

Naturally, since it was a girl weekend, talk turned to relationships, and I aired my own relationship dilemma, which caused me to brood about it on the four-hour drive back. This is kind of a good thing, since four-hour drives can be tedious when you don't have anything to think about.

When things aren't going well in a relationship, or to phrase it differently, when things are kind of going to shit, I tend to slip into a series of fantasies. In the first set of fantasies, I imagine how things are going to turn out for the best. These fantasies are usually full of great scenery and good dialogue and maybe some really good kisses, like the ones in the Princess Bride that they always cut out on.

After some time, I realize that these fantasies are likely to remain fantasies, and perhaps as an alternate plan, I should start shoring myself up for the possibility of a breakup. First, I concentrate on the problems in the relationship - naturally, the ones on his side, mostly. Reminiscing fondly about the good parts of the past is strictly forbidden, unless it's a part of the past that does not include the current boyfriend. Unfortunately, those parts of the past are usually full of other men whom I do not wish to recall. So the past is pretty much out.

Once I've concentrated on everything that is bad about my relationship, I can move on to the next set of fantasies - breakup fantasies. It helps if you have some country music on for this - or maybe the top 40 countdown with Rick Dees or something. Lots of breakup songs there. There are a lot of details to be worked out here, including:

-when to break up. After the MA qualifying exam, definitely. Maybe after the entire degree program is completed (only one more semester).

-whether a formal breakup is even necessary, as you've had several relevant discussions previously, and nothing has changed. He should know that it's coming. All the same, it would be nice to surprise him a bit, perhaps, which brings me to the question of

-the note. Dramatically speaking, packing up and having the person come home unaware, only to find the note, seems most satisfying. It has the advantage of being slightly cruel, while being perhaps easier on both parties in the long run. And you get to go out with dignity and composure, rather than with screaming accusations and crying. The note could be something understated; no more than one or two sentences is best, I think - something like this: "I love you, but I'm absolutely tired of fucking waiting around for you. Plus, you golf too much." Or: "I'm off to Italy to drink heavily and have loads of casual sex. Don't bother calling." Or: "I just met my soulmate. He has a bigger penis than you do. I'm taking the cat." Hmm. Lots of options here, and it is not even necessary to be strictly truthful. A good argument can also be made that it would be equally dramatic to leave without a note (and easier, since you don't have to think about what to write.

Of course, practical considerations intrude eventually. In your fantasy, perhaps, you're packing up your car and getting ready to drive off (having left or not left a suitable note), and you realize that you're not technically sure where you're driving to (can't drive around aimlessly for weeks with the price of gas these days). Moreover, there's not a lot of room in the car for packing stuff. You could put the computer in the trunk, but it might get too hot in there (perhaps should leave in the winter, then), and you'll most certainly have to do a wardrobe purge - several pairs of shoes will be sacrificed. And you can't take all of your books. Maybe not even any of them. And there has to be room for the cat...