Weddings, Vasectomies, and Other Relationship Issues
My little brother got married last weekend, and the wedding was good. He married the daughter of my 5th grade science teacher, who is one of my favorite teachers (although, to be fair, I have lots of favorite teachers. I pretty much liked them all.) This particular teacher, though, did cow eyeball tosses and introduced me to my very first computer games: Transylvania and Oregon Trail. I also credit him with making me comfortable with math in the beginning (my first real teacher after my mother, that is, to do so). For geometry, I had Mr. Davidson in high school, and for algebra, I had Ms. Woo, also in high school. Perhaps the reason I never warmed up to calculus much was that I had lackluster math teachers in college. I digress, though. Basically, I am happy for my brother, and happy for me, since we just picked up another large, nerdy family with four kids. As I said at the wedding, I am not so much losing a brother as gaining a science teacher.
A lot of people have been getting married lately. A few years ago, I'd have said they were all nuts. A year ago, I'd have said, "Why bother"? Now, though, it sounds like a good idea to me. Starting back with my grandmother's funeral in February, which was barely preceded by the death of my college roommate's college boyfriend and fiance, I all of a sudden decided that I felt grown-up and adult enough for marriage, responsibility, and commitment. It wasn't a gradual thing, but a revelation, like the flipping of a switch. Since family is very important to me, I want to be with someone who is actually part of the family. When someone in my family dies, I want it to be his loss, too. And when someone marries into my family, I want it to be his gain. I realized, basically, that life is pretty short, and so, therefore, is marriage. And if you can't decide that you want to spend that time with your favorite person, you were probably undecided in the last election, too, and there is no hope for you.
And by you, I mean, of course, Matt. Amidst funeral arrangements last February, I told him that I thought marriage was a good idea. I didn't think about it much after that until a couple of weeks ago, after a short conversation about vasectomies with my little sister. I'll spare you the details, but during the conversation, it dawned on me that there was absolutely no commitment in my relationship, and I wasn't even sure how Matt felt about me and commitment and our relationship.
Plus, it bugged me that my little brother was stupid enough to optimistically promise marriage and the rest of his life to some little 21-year-old, and Matt and I, after having been together for 6 years, weren't even close to doing this. It also bugs me that possibly this new fixation on marriage has something to do with my environment here in the religious South, close to my family. Is this really what I want, or just what other people want?
Anyway, we had the talk, which ended completely unsatisfactorily, and I realized that perhaps I didn't want marriage to someone who was apparently so ambivalent about me and our relationship, and about sex in general. I am now in relationship limbo, and I'm not sure what to do about it just yet.
A lot of people have been getting married lately. A few years ago, I'd have said they were all nuts. A year ago, I'd have said, "Why bother"? Now, though, it sounds like a good idea to me. Starting back with my grandmother's funeral in February, which was barely preceded by the death of my college roommate's college boyfriend and fiance, I all of a sudden decided that I felt grown-up and adult enough for marriage, responsibility, and commitment. It wasn't a gradual thing, but a revelation, like the flipping of a switch. Since family is very important to me, I want to be with someone who is actually part of the family. When someone in my family dies, I want it to be his loss, too. And when someone marries into my family, I want it to be his gain. I realized, basically, that life is pretty short, and so, therefore, is marriage. And if you can't decide that you want to spend that time with your favorite person, you were probably undecided in the last election, too, and there is no hope for you.
And by you, I mean, of course, Matt. Amidst funeral arrangements last February, I told him that I thought marriage was a good idea. I didn't think about it much after that until a couple of weeks ago, after a short conversation about vasectomies with my little sister. I'll spare you the details, but during the conversation, it dawned on me that there was absolutely no commitment in my relationship, and I wasn't even sure how Matt felt about me and commitment and our relationship.
Plus, it bugged me that my little brother was stupid enough to optimistically promise marriage and the rest of his life to some little 21-year-old, and Matt and I, after having been together for 6 years, weren't even close to doing this. It also bugs me that possibly this new fixation on marriage has something to do with my environment here in the religious South, close to my family. Is this really what I want, or just what other people want?
Anyway, we had the talk, which ended completely unsatisfactorily, and I realized that perhaps I didn't want marriage to someone who was apparently so ambivalent about me and our relationship, and about sex in general. I am now in relationship limbo, and I'm not sure what to do about it just yet.
posted by jessica rabbit at 11:24 AM
1 Comments:
"When that commitment isn't there, I hesitate, which inevitably leads to conflict and, usually, a break-up. When feelings go unreciprocated, life can get really messy, really fast."
Quite, quite so.
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