Poop on the delivery room table
I apologize for my recent slackness in keeping up this blog. There are several reasons for this. Firstly, it's summer, and I just got a new bike. I had forgotten how much fun biking is, and it's really the only way to exercise outdoor in 90-100 degree weather. It's like having your own built-in fan. I always look at the other poor sods sweating their foreheads off, jogging along at a steady pace, as I fly past them with the wind in my hair...
Secondly, I don't have evening classes now, so I get to go to yoga classes twice a week.
Thirdly, I just got a new kitty. You may have seen the photos :-) Anyway, he keeps me up at night, and he's very distracting when I try to be productive around the house. When I get online, he walks all over the keyboard. I'm working on training him. Having a kitten has made me realize how horribly, horribly difficult it would be to have a child. Not only does he keep me up at night and get underfoot during the day, I have the most horrible worries when I leave him home alone. When I hear him sneeze, I immediately think of pneumonia. I will never have children.
Now, you may ask, what does all this have to do with poop and delivery rooms? My sister is pregnant. This is the first time something like this has happened in my family, and it's all very shocking. She's of age - 25 - and married, and just finishing up grad school, but she was most definitely not planning this. We have a long-standing horror of pregnancy and delivery in my family. Some of this comes from seeing what it did to my poor mother to go through the whole process 5 times.
Some of it is because pregnancy is just not natural. Anything could happen. Mutations abound. That line that darkens down the middle of your bloated belly, the mucus plug... And worst of all, pooping in the delivery room. If there's anything that caps off the whole indignity and indecency of giving birth, pooping in the delivery room is it. It's almost like a cartoon -- that South Park episode where they find the poop note...
My sister has already spoken to her friends who have given birth, and they tell her to give up hope; there is no way to avoid it. Everyone poops in the delivery room. (Question: Why would you ever want to be an OBGYN if women have a habit of pooping on your table?) Apparently, this is why they used to give women enemas when they went into labor. For some reason, they decided that pooping was natural, and now they no longer give the labor enema. I'm not sure which is worse: would you rather be doomed to have an enema or to poop on the delivery room table?
And what about these people who videotape the whole thing to show family and friends? Do they edit out the poop? What about people who have their husbands in the delivery room with them? Friends and family? Are you just so completely miserable that you don't care?
To sum up, I have many, many questions about pregnancy, and once I got over the initial shock, I immediately volunteered for delivery room duty. If I am allowed in the delivery room, you can expect a comprehensive account sometime in early February.
Secondly, I don't have evening classes now, so I get to go to yoga classes twice a week.
Thirdly, I just got a new kitty. You may have seen the photos :-) Anyway, he keeps me up at night, and he's very distracting when I try to be productive around the house. When I get online, he walks all over the keyboard. I'm working on training him. Having a kitten has made me realize how horribly, horribly difficult it would be to have a child. Not only does he keep me up at night and get underfoot during the day, I have the most horrible worries when I leave him home alone. When I hear him sneeze, I immediately think of pneumonia. I will never have children.
Now, you may ask, what does all this have to do with poop and delivery rooms? My sister is pregnant. This is the first time something like this has happened in my family, and it's all very shocking. She's of age - 25 - and married, and just finishing up grad school, but she was most definitely not planning this. We have a long-standing horror of pregnancy and delivery in my family. Some of this comes from seeing what it did to my poor mother to go through the whole process 5 times.
Some of it is because pregnancy is just not natural. Anything could happen. Mutations abound. That line that darkens down the middle of your bloated belly, the mucus plug... And worst of all, pooping in the delivery room. If there's anything that caps off the whole indignity and indecency of giving birth, pooping in the delivery room is it. It's almost like a cartoon -- that South Park episode where they find the poop note...
My sister has already spoken to her friends who have given birth, and they tell her to give up hope; there is no way to avoid it. Everyone poops in the delivery room. (Question: Why would you ever want to be an OBGYN if women have a habit of pooping on your table?) Apparently, this is why they used to give women enemas when they went into labor. For some reason, they decided that pooping was natural, and now they no longer give the labor enema. I'm not sure which is worse: would you rather be doomed to have an enema or to poop on the delivery room table?
And what about these people who videotape the whole thing to show family and friends? Do they edit out the poop? What about people who have their husbands in the delivery room with them? Friends and family? Are you just so completely miserable that you don't care?
To sum up, I have many, many questions about pregnancy, and once I got over the initial shock, I immediately volunteered for delivery room duty. If I am allowed in the delivery room, you can expect a comprehensive account sometime in early February.
posted by jessica rabbit at 8:11 AM
2 Comments:
"What if the baby pops out and lands in the poop? What if you poop on the doctor? Do they clean it up or wait until the labor is over, forcing you to wallow in your own feces?"
Exactly, Merc. There is so much left unexplained. I'm really hoping I get to observe. It'll be like watching a train wreck. Except with living people being created from the wreckage.
Maybe she'll have twins...
You raise some excellent points. I may be able to arrange an interview with a doctor, come to think of it...
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